I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ladies don't puke and tell
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
