i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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