Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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