did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize