there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
