So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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