so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
