i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
