U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
