why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize