i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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