She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
