Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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