I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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