Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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