I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
