I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
