fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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