Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
