Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You made out with two different species that night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
