god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
