I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
