I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize