i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
