You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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