awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
