i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
