My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
