I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize