I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
