you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
