dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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