Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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