I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
