Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
