giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
