I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize