my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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