Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
