A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
