Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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