Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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