Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
