We won't sleep together?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
