I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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