I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Randomize