i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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