I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
