Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
