Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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