When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
