he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
