he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
