My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
