I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
