Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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