He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
