Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
