Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
