i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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