Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
