She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
